Stillness was the move.
Rejecting the rage inside,
in my mind I knew it was time.
We arrived in a Rolls-Royce.
The driver turned around, “Here we are.”
“Now?” I inquired completely aware of the answer.
Wrist wrapped around my father’s arm,
I walked slower than we had rehearsed.
Forever is a mighty long time.
I refuse to hurry to the hurse.
The bugbear ogled as I arrived at the alter.
Dial R for regret.
It wasn’t a wedding it was a celebration of us.
I wonder if I’d be happy without it?
So dangerous yet lucrative.
I doubt it. Pounds and Euros.
Now I’m Nemo.
The pounding in my chest left me vexed.
Not knowing what’s next, I whispered “ok.”
“Ok?” he laughed it off.
Wiping sweat from his brow,
glancing quickly at the crowd.
Life’s a test.
I thought it would have rained.
It always rains in Streatham.
Roses blooming out of the concrete.
Urban beauty at it’s best.
What if I run out of this church right now?
They’re gonna talk about me anyways.
No. I’ll stay and we can make a hell of our own.
Love. Love. Love. Love.
Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice, Beetle Juice.
He spoke with confidence, “I do.”
I exhaled, “I guess I do too.”
He laughed knowing I wasn’t joking.
I arrived at the fork,
and I followed the wishes of my family.
I wish I could rewind time,
to the me time,
in the meantime.
This is where we are.
Naira and Dollars.
Ashamed of his shadow, yet he counts his followers.
He doesn’t share is thoughts.
He’s afraid I will talk shit.
He should accept the inevitable.
Could I love him?
Flowers, chocolates, and diamonds decorate the tables.
I’m just not sure.
I’m sure it’s my fault.
I shoulda, woulda, coulda, said no.
It may not be beautiful but it will suffice.
it’s not what I dreamed of,
but it’s alright.
This is honesty.
My best attainable version of the truth.
Maybe we’ll get there.
I may suffer.
But, if I’m to suffer I will do so magnificently,
Don’t be fooled.
Love versus money,
it’s time to pretend.
There where the happy people go.
Sitting on islands in the sun.
Drinking, laughing, smoking, joking.
Some shit is funny because it’s smart.
So here we are, so close yet so far.
Our first dance as, as us.
His arm around my waist.
His hand swallowing mine.
We dance to the Love Ballad.
“What we have is much more than they can see.”
He whispers the words in my ear.
Swinging my gown in circles.
The eyes of everyone we know upon us.
For the first time I felt butterflies.
He winked, grinned,
and dipped me as I shut my eyes.
Drenched in tears and fears,
wondering why I’m here,
my body began to shift gears.
No destination in mind,
I floated away from matrimony.
Fear like a feather floated on with the wind.
Unsure of where I wanted to be,
ready to free my ring finger,
I opened my eyes.
In the thunder and rain,
we sat outside the train station.
He stroked his guitar and I was jealous.
I observed and admired.
I am his biggest fan.
His only real fan.
Souls touch from time to time.
His sat astride mine,
and I held him there.
The smell of garbage and urine.
The dog that rested to his right.
None matter tonight.
I asked a stranger for change.
He looked me in my dirt filled face,
“We have to accept things the way they are.”
Here we are,
in the thunder and rain.
A homeless love so passionate yet slightly insane.
The rain smelled so fresh,
compared to the dumpster we rested against.
He sang to me and the passersby.
“I don’t worry what my people say in my life today.
Although they try to say your not the one for me,
I love you anyway.”
A child tossed a dollar into the hat.
It grew soggy in the rain.
I reached for it.
He grabbed my wrist,
giving it a twist.
The silence of the guitar was deafening.
Nettled he stared at me.
‘I was just…’
He cut me off ‘-I, handle our money.’
He released my wrist.
As I sat steeping frustrated in the stillness
he picked up where he left off,
“Cause their intentions might be cool,
if what they say was true.
But there’s more to you than they can ever see,
and they don’t even know you.”